My apologies to the men in advance for letting the cat out of the bag. i want you guys happy & laid, just not at my soul sisters' expense. Gotta share those pesky evolutionary biological rules. Don't hate me.
Tinder is a man's game. It's plentiful access to many local fertile females as potential sexual options. It's streamlined convenience for men that get to judge based on their #1 criteria in the wild, fertile, symmetrical BEAUTY. All vetting is done with minimal effort and minimal expense.
Women, are almost forced to be on Tinder because that's where all the men seem to be. The modern day culture is so tech saavy and convenient, it's moved a bit faster than our brain wiring and gender differences can keep up. So here's how to win at a game that is stacked against us.
RULE 1: Never sleep with a guy quickly from Tinder
Unless you're on Tinder purely for the sex or are on vacation and again are on Tinder purely for the sex, do not play into his stereotype of the Tinder girl. Just so we're clear, the only time you're sleeping with him right away is if you expect to NEVER see him again- as in you're going to hit it and quit it for the story / experience. It's literally all about the friction.
Annoying studies show that even when women go into new sexual partnerships thinking they want nothing more than a hot romp in the sack, our biology jams us up releasing connecting hormone oxytocin. This bonding hormone makes us all of a sudden care if he calls the next day. Our bodies really need to evolve to the present day culture so we don't care if "pretty eyes from the bar last night" 'loves' us. Ugh.
If you haven't found the 'evolve button' on your body yet, you're not alone. Evolution is waaaaay slower than dating app technology. The meddling love drug in question, oxytocin, is both amazing and annoying depending on when it shows up.
So what's a sexually strong, progressive woman to do?
Having multiple men in the rotation is a way to get our sexual needs met with men we are more advanced in the process, while letting new quality prospects earn our time.
If you're a one guy at a time girl, read on for the hard truth:
Yes we all like getting off. Yes, we are sexually empowered women. Yes it's 2015. Buy some AA batteries and get regular massages knowing that like it or not, sex is one of women's biggest cards in the game. Men are so distracted by the need for constant sexual gratification and yet still put women in a lower ranking category that sleep with them too soon. many of them don't know why their brain does this.
Want to know why?
After hearing this consistent feedback from even the nicest desirable guys, I decided to research why this may be. Turns out, it mostly comes down to parental investment. Because we have a potential 9 month investment in a sexual interaction compared to his 9 minute investment, it only makes sense we are wired to be more selective in the process. If every time he took a girl home, he might be potentially pregnant, his biology would ensure he's WAY more choosy in his prospective partners. But he doesn't-so he's not. And unfortunately, we do- so we are. Damn.
How does this affect his mental ranking of women?
Any woman worth her salt in the wild, knows she has plenty of mating options and more risk in poor selections, so had better test these candidates skills, strength, and resources before potentially combining genes with them. In the animal kingdom this looks like either a series of tests like nest building for birds or full out sprints for cats to see which male can catch her.
When a woman doesn't 'run' or provide tests, the male brain categorizes her as damaged goods and puts her in the 'fun for the night' category also known as the B team.
Whether you are an A female or B female has nothing to do with beauty or worth. Rather it has to do with which category you place yourself and what you demand in your interactions. Think of it like a self respect coefficient. We all know gorgeous women who somehow don't know their worth and end up on the losing side of relationships. I don't think the modern day woman that f&cks on the first date is a B teamer, but his brain unfortunately does.
Paraphrasing from my more brazen friend:
"ON BEHALF OF ALL OF US, PLEASE DON'T BE A FREE HOOKER (NO DOE HOE) AND MAKE ALL MEN WORK LESS HARD FOR US LADIES BY GIVING UP THE GOODS WITHOUT ANY EFFORT. MIGHT AS WELL MAKE SIDE MONEY IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT THAT EASY FOR THE FELLAS TO GAIN ACCESS TO DESIRABLE WOMEN. IF HE THINKS YOU'RE VALUABLE, YOU'RE WORTH WAITING A FEW DATES BEFORE HE REALLY "KNOWS" YOU."
THERE ARE OF COURSE EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE BUT WOMEN BENEFIT FROM ALLOWING MEN to CHASE. Also, men actually get a bigger mental benefit by experiencing true reward from a valued female. They experience smaller but healthy positive physiological chemical releases from quick romps with type b women - but who wants to sign up for that role?
I've had more than one guy friend lament that he wish she'd made it harder for him because he really thought she was something special. He liked being excited about her and now feels he's conquered the mountain before he even got to try out his climbing skills. What an unfortunate double standard that is inconvenient for both sexes!
RULE 2: Have a Reason you're on Tinder
Help his brain story-tell around the fact that he found this gem of a woman on the same site that lets men's opening line be "butt stuff?"- which I just found out is a request for anal sex before they say hello. Because your swipe right likely came after the girl they slept with last Saturday between football games, you're going to need a differentiator.
Stories that can put you back in the Type A female category are:
a) "My girlfriend set up my account when she decided I was a workaholic and expects 3 date reports by end of month. May I suggest we do something memorable as I hate telling boring stories"...
This puts you back in the good girl, everyone hasn't had a turn category. I think we can all agree that that labeling is unfair and archaic but unfortunately we are talking effective right now and our brain's haven't caught up to the equal, sexually empowered female who has an equally low parental investment because she has an IUD and demands a condom. Pesky brain chemicals caught back in the archaic "quality women make a guy work for it" era. Uggghhh
b) "It started as a joke for Tinder tuesdays where all the girls get together and swipe right or left as a group for fun. I didn't actually expect quality men to be on here. Probably shouldn't judge you as I technically appear to be 'on here' too."
... this puts the focus back on him taking some of the heat off why a quality woman has time to be trolling tinder.
c) I'm new on this. Can you explain how it works? Why can't I write anything substantial below my picture? What happens if you mean to say yes but swipe the wrong way? ...
This damsel in distress act conveys that you're new on the site and haven't fucked half of the men on it, many of which are his buddies thanks to small town SF. God awful Double standard hardwired into the male mind I wish would biologically go away already. Men also seem to enjoy the power of teaching and guiding. It lets their masculine flourish around our feminine. I'm a pretty tough broad so this has taken me some practice feeling comfortable pulling the damsel in distress card. My more feminine friends drop men to their knees with it on the regular. Not sure it's ever going to feel natural but it sure as hell is effective. ...cue the eye roll... I hear you, I don't like it either.
RULE 3: Be your fabulous self and go about the date as if his intentions are pure.
You are a busy chiquita banana with things to do, people to see, Mt Tam to climb, and events to throw. Your time is valuable as is his. Give yourself an allotted time to experience the date, assess if there's effort on his part or interesting conversation to be had, be kind to him, and then gracefully exit. Think of it like planting seeds that may bloom into something really worth your time.
Be sparkly, be fun, be fabulous, and then be gone. The male brain loves the challenge of a worthy pursuit and releases all sorts of positive reinforcing chemicals when he makes gains. You're essentially giving him the king of the jungle high when you present yourself as a beautiful, interesting, fun, sparkly prize that is worth his efforts and ingenuity to achieve. He'll appreciate the women that give him this life experience.
While the BEST way to WIN at Tinder might be to NOT BE ON TINDER, try these 3 rules to get better results.
Tinder's benefits mostly end at hilarious entertainment, bonding over horror stories with girlfriends, an experiential phase in your 20s, or a social experiment for your PhD. However, if you're looking for "the one", and you want to give tinder a try, rock these 3 rules to position yourself better in an unfair arena.
Side rant
A side rant on the "butt stuff?" opening line issue. This isn't Ashley Madison where married people are looking for side sex action with strangers!!! and even if Tinder was positioned as exclusively a hookup site, have some friggin' respect gentlemen!
Who is rewarding these douche bags enough that they think throwing around first impression anal requests is worth the numbers game despite horrific offense!??
On behalf of all of us, PLEASE STOP MAKING IT TOO EASY FOR THESE GUYS! Stop sleeping with them if they wreak of douche baggery with openers like 'Fuck on the first date!? or "Butt Stuff!?" We've all struggled with low self esteem and sought love in all the wrong places. It's not going to be in the eyes of the BUTT STUFF!? guy. I Promise.
REAL 1st Line TINDER Quotes:
-"You're too pretty to be on Tinder" ... "What are YOU doing on Tinder." ... "Wanna Fuck?" ... "Butt Stuff!?" ... "My place or yours?"... "Fuck on the first Date?"
Take Away:
HONOR HIS BIOLOGY AND YOURS SO YOU BOTH CAN WIN. LET SOMEONE ELSE BE HIS FREE TRAMPOLINE WHILE YOU'RE STEPPING INTO YOUR GODDESS ENERGY AND GETTING WHAT YOU WANT FROM MEN THAT DESERVE YOUR TIME, ENERGY, AND SPARKLE. Guilt & Shame are worthless. We've all done all sorts of things finding our way in life. Make the best choice MOVING FORWARD to be effective in getting to your goals and happiness factors..
The good ones will thank you for it & YOU DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD.